Prayerless

I find it hard to read passages about God's answering prayer because I hardly ever pray. Very rarely. I do not struggle with reading my Bible. I don't struggle with listening to God; only talking. This (problem?) is very out of character with my personality. I don't struggle with finding things to say with friends or strangers. I don't struggle to keep a conversation going or to even make small talk.

Maybe I know that I can't make small talk with God. Maybe being in his presence just makes me realize how many of my words are unnecessary.

I've even tried writing down my prayers. They just turn into beautifully crafted essays, designed to make me look like a good writer. Or pray-er. Whatever I am.

I've also attempted to pray out loud. In the shower, while driving, etc. Often I turn off the radio and just sit in silence, waiting for the words to come.

What do I need? A good dose of "boldness" when I pray? He knows my heart, right? He knows what I'm thinking. He knows I struggle with prayer. Can't He just take my prayers out of my heart? Why isn't that ok?

I find comfort in the fact that I'm not alone in my prayerlessness. When I first found this quote I cried because it expresses what I feel every time I try to pray.

"There is a moment between intending to pray and actually praying that is as dark and silent as any moment in our lives. It is the split second between thinking about praying and really praying. For some of us, this split second may last for decades. It seems, then, that the greatest obstacle to prayer is the simple nature of beginning. . . . How easy it is, and yet-- Between us and the possibility of prayer there seems to be a great gulf fixed: an abyss of our own making that separates us from God." --Emilie Griffin

Maybe the prayer that God finally answers, the one that I've waited for for so long, will be the one rasping deep down in my soul--that my prayers will finally have words.